Back to Blogging

Gosh I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged on here. Things have been pretty stressful and tiring with starting tutoring and other things going on in my life, but the good news is I'm really enjoying tutoring and the students are very nice.

I want to get back to writing more about OCD. I want to learn more about OCD and would like to find a way to use my experiences to help others. I'd also like to learn more about others' experiences, especially how they have been able to heal themselves. I'm excited to be starting a creative non-fiction writing class next week which could hopefully help me focus on writing a bit more.

Take care and hope you have a great day,
Amy

Working More!

I just want to say thanks to everyone for their awesome support. I love hearing about other OCD blogs, please send me links to your blogs so I can check them out. I want to check out Matty's but don't have the address.

Things are going pretty well :) I have been working at the bookstore for a little over a month now and really enjoy the people who work and shop there. I feel like I total dork, but I get excited about school starting and getting new books and supplies, meeting new people.

I also started tutoring last week. I was very nervous about it, but really enjoyed it and sort-of got an adrenaline burst from it. I wasn't sure if I would know the right answers, but I figured most things out and it went okay.

I had to work long hours (some 10+ hour days) the past two weeks due to school starting. I have survived thus far! Quite a shock going from not working to working a ton -- I had wanted to do it a bit more gradually but I guess you don't have control of everything. My anxiety and OCD have gotten worse over the past two weeks, but fortunately I know better how to tackle them. (Also, fortunately I will be done my seasonal job at the bookstore this Friday and be down to about 10 hours of work tutoring next week.)

I haven't had the energy to do my cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) homework much the past two weeks, but I have tried to tackle each OCD situation as it came up. I try to just let my brain do its crazy thing and hope the obsessions will eventually pass on their own. At least now I know that these are just irrational thoughts and they don't mean anything bad will really happen and they don't mean I'm a bad person (and trying to reason with them or stop them just makes them stronger).

Guess I should go now, off to a few more hours in the bookstore. One of the hardest things for me there is getting myself to straighten or place books on the upper shelves. I am afraid I will place one wrong and it will fall and kill someone. That's a hard obsession to get past, but I try to get myself to touch the books and then leave them and move on to do another task.

I'd love to hear others' stories of their days with OCD.

Hope you have a great day.

Take care,
Amy

Working!

Happy Friday! I made it through my first week back at work!

(I had been out of work for nearly a year, since I had to leave my job last August due to my OCD, anxiety and depression. I have tried going back to work several times but failed. Now with medications and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) putting me at a stronger, better place, I feel prepared to try again.)

I started my first full shift this past Monday as a clerk at the bookstore of the local community college. It went well. I was anxious, but only about a 5 out of 10. This was so much easier than when I started volunteering in April and my anxiety was an 8 out of 10 for weeks.

My OCD at work wasn't bad. My anxiety was more due to starting at a new place, meeting new people and getting used to how things work (and surviving a full shift!)

I really enjoyed getting to be around people more and to help people find their books. I met and worked with some nice people with good senses of humor.

I tried doing some of my exposures for my CBT homework but they were much more difficult this week, when combined with the anxiety of starting the new job. Leaving lights on in my house was an 8 rather than a 2 and I just couldn't handle all the anxiety building up so I took a break from the homework. I hope to do more homework on my days off this weekend.

Hope you had a good week and have a great weekend!

Take care,
Amy

Back from San Diego!

Happy Wednesday! Thanks for reading my website and thanks for your nice comments Mabel and Incertus -- I'm glad to know more about other OCD blogs out there.

I just wanted to write a quick note about my experiences at the OCF Conference in San Diego last weekend. It was SUCH a great experience for me and I SO wish more people could have gone. I think the best part was just meeting other people with OCD. (I have only talked with one person locally who has OCD before.) Everyone was so nice and welcoming, it was one of the most comfortable groups I've been in.

My dad came along too and said he really enjoyed the conference and learned a lot. For me, it was great just to get to meet and hang out with kids from the teen and young adults group -- so rare to be in a situation where OCD and meds and all are the first things you talk about! With other people those are the last things I'll ever talk about!

The update on the Genetics Collaborative with a doc from Johns Hopkins University was interesting, I learned a lot and it makes me hopeful that such great people are working so hard to find causes and cures for OCD in our genome. The meditation seminar was also interesting, and I learned that learning how to meditate is a good thing, but we should not use meditation to decrease our anxiety while doing exposures, we need to let our bodies acclimate to the anxiety when doing exposures and response prevention (ERP).

It was great to hear hopeful stories of people who have done medicines and CBT and gotten much better. My dad really liked the seminar on "being your own cognitive behavioral therapist" -- it included a counselor, her patient and the patient's mom and they shared their experience going through CBT.

I'm just so sad it's over and can't wait to hopefully make it to Atlanta next year!

Take care,
Amy

San Diego OCF Conference!

Yeay! I just got to San Diego and it's beautiful! I'm so, so excited about getting to meet others with OCD and learn more about treatments and research!

Good news! My anxiety about posting this blog decreased from an intolerable 9 yesterday to a 6 today!

I got really nervous in the ride from the airport to the hotel in San Diego. Four out of five people in the van were coming to the conference! I started worrying about whether the docs would think I seem "sick" enough, again that worry about whether I "really" have a disease or not. The lady next to me asked me what the conference was for and I said "OCF" -- and then she asked what that meant, I was a bit embarrassed to say "Obsessive Compulsive Foundation" but I did and she acted fine. I got a bit flustered and totally lost upon arrival, but now all is well and I've calmed down a bit.

Funny notes -- The brochure that came with the hotel information said for the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation Conference we get a discount on Irish nachos at the hotel bar -- how funny! Irish nachos -- what the heck?!?!

I checked out the bathrooms and there was a normal amount of soap (contrary to someone's question if they would stock up the supply for us OCDers :)

Well gotta run, this Internet service is rediculously priced!

Hope you're having a GREAT day!

Take care,
Amy

Anxiety about Blogging

Last night and today I am really anxious about posting this online journal or "blog". I desperately wanted to delete the blog last night, but I forced myself to read, watch TV and go to bed. This morning, my anxiety about the blog is still about a 9 out of 10. I wrote and thought some more and decided I'm not going to give into my OCD on this. I'm not going to cave into my fears of awful things happening because I started this blog. I'm going to wait this out (as awful as it feels) and hope my anxiety will eventually go down. Yuck, this isn't fun!

What to do now??? That's always the difficult part. I guess I'll try to read the newspaper, maybe go to the gym, work on my ERP homework (including more toilet seat cleaning) and pack for the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation (OCF) Annual Conference -- I'm so excited about going for the first time and hopefully meeting some nice people who have OCD or live and work with those who do!

I hope today turns into a good Wednesday!

Thanks for reading if you're reading this.
Have a great day,
Amy

Recommended Books

Books have helped me SO much in feeling not so alone with my OCD and in learning how to fight it.

Some of my favorites are:

"Brain Lock" Jeffrey Schwartz (how to get better)
"Stop Obsessing!" Edna Foa (how to get better)
"Just Checking" Emily Colas (shares funny OCD stories)
"The Boy who Couldn't Stop Washing" Judith Rapoport (older book -- one of the first on OCD)

I want to read:

"Getting Control" Lee Baer

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy

I have been doing Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy with my great therapist for 6 months now. It is similar to the ERP detailed in Edna Foa's book "Stop Obsessing!" Here is a sample of some of my experiences trying to start using cleaning chemicals again.


Cleaning Toilet Seat
I guess the day-to-day is more dramatic when you have OCD – maybe that’s why my brain clung to it and why I have mixed feelings about losing my evil little companion. Like today, I just did my exposure of spraying the toilet seat with a cleaner and wiping it up (a “Whole Foods” environmentally-friendly cleaner, to be exact). Now I’m really afraid my ass will dissolve like in a sea of acid when I sit on the seat a few hours from now. I’m tempted to avoid that toilet at least until tomorrow, to give the chemicals time to settle in. Then, I’ll probably just get some cancer way in the future that will require some type of buttectomy, leaving me with no more cute booty or cushion for my tushy. How will I sit? I’ll have to live my life on those embarrassing donut pillows. Can’t I just be put out of my misery now???

Cleaning Toilet Seat – Day #2
Okay, so I made it ‘til today. Now I’m freaking worrying about the cleaner on the sponge possibly getting onto my toothbrush – it never ends!! I washed the sponge off in the sink and am afraid maybe some of the chemical on the sponge may have flown onto the brush, along with flying water. Okay so maybe the likelihood isn’t high, but I still totally believe that by using that toothbrush my gums are going to erode, my teeth will fall out and I’ll end up looking like some nasty old toothless witch with yellow gums. I will lose my boyfriend and all my friends and my family will send me off to some leper farm – I’m sure they’re still out there, they may tell you there not, but I bet they are. My whole life will be over and I’ll be left to live out my life as a hag in the middle of nowhere, painfully thinking over day by day the life I used to have and all I had lost.

Cleaning Toilet - Day #3
Okay, now this is getting a bit ridiculous, no? Even to me it appears so. So, today I sprayed my toilet seat, wiped it and then carefully washed the sponge off in the bathtub spigot, so as not to possibly contaminate the toothbrush. But then, I started to worry maybe some chemical splashed off onto my hanging scrub thing (at least it’s better than my sister's scrub thing being there) and some may have gotten onto the plant sprayer after it rolled into the tub next to the sponge. Now, my plants may die, everyone will think I’m a horrible, awful person and there goes my whole life again, gone in a flash. Oh, and I washed the sprayer off in the sink so some of the chemical may have splashed onto the toothbrush, thus further increasing the risk of contamination – I can’t seem to get away from it!!

Me and OCD

Hi my name is Amy and I am a 24 year-old struggling with OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (perhaps a better name for it would be something like the "Ornery Crippling Devil").

Well, I was "struggling" but now I'm actively fighting. Through reading (see book list in following post), therapy and medications I have realized OCD is a monster that can be beaten -- I am not OCD and OCD is not me.

My OCD has been relatively obnoxious since I was 14 and became crippling when I turned 23. I have read that the average length of time between the onset of OCD and accurate diagnosis in 7 years. I guess I was around normal with that. I just wish I had known sooner because I wouldn't have struggled so much and felt so awful.

In August 2004 I had to leave my job and in October I had to move home to focus on getting better. I couldn't do much besides watch movies and get off the couch for an hour or two over those months. But gradually, with the help of great therapists, some medicines (which I never wanted to resort to but have helped greatly), reading and most importantly the support of my family, boyfriend and friends, I have gotten better. I'm not to where I want to be yet, but I have much more energy now, can see people more and more, can drive, am getting involved in support groups and am starting a part-time job and a class in travel writing!

Gosh there is so much to write, but I will try to keep this short and share more in other posts. I really hope my writing could possibly help some other people with OCD or friends and family of those with OCD to understand the disease a bit better and to see they're not alone -- 1 in 50 people has OCD! That's like several million Americans alone!

I love to write. This journal is very healing for me. I hope it can be of help to others, as others have been of help to me.

Take care and best of luck to you in your battles with OCD,
Amy